- I just recently started a new job at a 24 hour facility and they are quite unorganized and have changed my schedule what seems like 8528753728 times. Right now I am working 4am shifts which means I have to wake up at 2am to get to work on time with the commute. Ick.
- I am lazy.
- And probably the most important reason: I felt like I haven't been in the right place mentally.
For those of you who have read my other blogs you know that I have 2 different kinds of kidney disease and have been taking steroids to make my kidneys function properly. Steroids, as I have described in my older posts, give your body the ride of its life- and not in a good way.
I started to gain lots of weight at the end of June along with weird facial hair that made me look like Wolverine from X-men, a double chin, and a very very round face, and my bones and joints are falling apart at the seams. As of lately, the weight gain seems to have become exponential- like 1/2 lbs a day gain. Since I have no shame I will get quite specific with you here.
Before I was diagnosed I was weighing about 145. I know this isn't exactly healthy but it's definitely not over weight. By the end of June I was weighing about 155-160lbs. Within about 10 weeks (from the end of June to now early September) I have gained 20 lbs and am now weighing in at 180 pounds. Now for someone who is health obsessed and works out every day this is INCREDIBLY disheartening and disappointing.
You see, I have been doing P90x3 for 8 weeks now, I actually just started block 3 of it today. I think I am the only person in the history of P90x that has had BACKWARDS progress! At least I am unique... right? Because of this reason I got to be insanely self conscious and had the worst self-esteem I have ever had.
I hated looking at myself in the mirror and when I did I would criticize every single thing that was wrong with my body. My hips are too wide, my thighs touch all the way to my knees, I have a double chin, my eyes are puffy, I have stretch marks fucking everywhere that seem so fucking deep, my clothes don't fit me anymore.
That is so much negativity for any single person and of course this led to a downward spiral of depression. I was down all the time and for those brief moments that I would forget about the negative aspects of my body I would come up with a reason to be sad again- I am dead broke, I have bills to pay, I don't have clothes that fit me anymore, my car is so broke, I have no friends that live near me, I haven't seen my family in months, etc. etc. anything to keep me down, I would think about.
I don't know if the depression was a side effect of my medication but I was sick of being down and bringing down everyone else around me. So... ENOUGH SAD SHIT.
Because the thing is- people really do care. Since I have been posting and keeping people updated on my social media of what is going on in my life, I have had people that I haven't talked to in YEARS message me offering a listening ear or kind word of compassion. I don't think people understand what a small act can do to someone who is in a downward spiral of depression.
From those small words I have decided enough is enough and I need to focus on the positives. After I am off these stupid fucking steroids and lose the weight I have gained, I am going to be one nimble little girl. Since doing P90x and being able to do all the moves with 40 extra pounds on me I can't even imagine how easy they are going to be 40 pounds lighter!
On another positive note, since working at a gym I am surrounded by health positive people constantly. They are always reminding me it's just a side effect of my medications and do a good job at keeping me positive. They have actually even inspired me to get my Group Fitness Certification. I would love to be able to lead a group of people in a fun and exciting way that is also positive. Since having my own weight story now as well I would be able to relate with a lot of the students, and the money is also 3 times more than what I am making now which doesn't hurt. Now to only find $300 to get the certification if any of you know how to make that money as quickly as possible without having to stand on the corner and sell my body let a girl know!
On to bigger and better things, slowly but surely. Keeping my head up and fingers crossed for lots of positive changes here soon. Cheers!
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