Gettin' Swole on Roids!

No no no- this is not the kind of swole you're thinking of. I'm not one of those meat-heads at the gym that is so self involved I get a chubber looking at myself doing curls.

My kind of swole is in the terms of "swollen." My face, my stomach, my NECK. Who knew your neck could get so round?

Let me back up a minute here for you and start from the beginning of this glorious journey.

In April, I was diagnosed with not one but TWO different kinds of kidney disease. Thanks a lot body- so much for all my self love. To get my kidneys to function properly again my doctor put me on a high dose of steroids (60mg/day). No, not the kind that you get on the black market and shoot up in my ass in the bathroom stall. No, the kind you get at the pharmacy and are notorious for making people gain weight. Awesome- I was already self conscious about my body.

I did my research and all forums, medical sites, and health pages said I was going to gain weight whilst on predisone. Why does it make you gain weight? Well apparently your appetite increases significantly and you want to eat anything and everything. I didn't have this problem, I was one of the lucky few that didn't have any AWFUL side effects!

 ...At least for the first 2 months.

You see, at the end of June my doctor lowered my dosage from 60mg/day to 40mg/day because my kidneys were responding positively to the medication- sweet. With this, came a change in pills. Instead of taking 6, 10mg pills of predisone a day I was now taking 2, 20mg pills a day.

I swear this is the reason for the change in my body but everyone else seems to think it is just the steroids catching up with me because of how long I have taken them. I now have all the stereotypical side effects of taking medical steroids.

I have developed "moon face" which is where you have the face-shape of what can only be described as a basketball. Not only did my face get more round but my wonderful body decided it wanted to be even more attractive and spread down to my neck so I no longer have a jaw line and have a BEAUTIFUL double-chin. SEXY. Here is a picture taken of me in April compared to Fourth of July weekend. I know what you're thinking... Where's the difference?

One positive of gaining extra weight and having a double-wide face is I expanded my diet... A LOT. I was no food-critic or the most exciting eater before. The most exotic I would get is garlic salt on my popcorn, but with the increase in appetite (hold your giggles for all the foods that you are shocked by) I have tried:

• Pesto
• Coffee (I loooooooove me some coffee now!!)
• Ketchup (who goes 22 years without trying fucking ketchup?)
• Ranch (fucking 22 years)
• BBQ sauce (What is wrong with me?!)
• Salmon
• Shrimp
• Steak
• Cheesy Onion hashbrown cassorole
• Strawberries (22 years without eating this delicious nectar)
• Turkey Bacon
• Pistachios
• Edamame
• Sweet Potatoes

 If only you could have seen me trying ranch and ketchup for the first time. Mind you, I may have had a few adult beverages and was in need of some salty goodness on my fries. My boyfriend convinced me to try the two condiments. I don't exactly remember trying them but he says I tend to make this face when trying new food which can only be described as "a porcupine stuck in my mouth and the only way to get it out is to throw it up." So with that very attractive face in mind, I tried a fry with some ketchup, first- porcupine face, then, with my mouth agape, I heard angelic voices and I was reborn.

This is the typical response for any food that I have tried since.

I'm not sure if it is due to the fact that I am now grown up and my taste buds are developing or the fact that the steroids make me hungry... ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I wake up hungry. I go to bed hungry. I eat and 30 minutes later my stomach is growling at my to stuff more ketchup slathered french fries into my round-ass face. I will pretty much try anything at this point just to have something in my mouth (get your mind out of the gutter you sicko).

I got the hankering to try out some lettuce today (again, 22 years). EAT ALL THE FOOD! Nom-nom-nom!