- You look forward to your work commute because you get a chance to listen to your favorite talk radio show
- You change your emergency contact from an immediate family member to your significant other
- You start to get calls from bill collectors at least once a week
- You get EXTREMELY upset when your daily routine is thrown off
- You get stupidly excited about being able to buy a good week of groceries (anything outside of the frozen food section)
- You hate shopping (it means spending money you don't have)
- But you LOVE online shopping (internet money isn't real money.... right?)
- You make projects out of nothing on the weekends because you can no longer have a "lazy weekend"
- Your joints and bones have begun to crack and ache in the mornings and randomly throughout the day
- You find new things on your body (a new freckle here, a new, very large dark spot there as you are twisting and have become a body contortionist in the mirror looking at your back side)
- You ask your significant other to become your doctor and ob-gyn when something funky is going on
- You go to bed at 9:00pm and can no longer sleep in
- You ask your aunt and other family members for hand-me-down clothes
- You get excited about trying out new recipes
- You have to make one "adult" phone call a day whether it be to the bank, work, paying bills, etc.
- While sitting at dinner you pretend you're playing on your phone when in reality you're online banking trying to figure out how you're going to pay for the bill.
- Having to decide between groceries and food for the week or to pay that one bill that you've pushed off for a *cough cough* month or two
- You go to the gym not only to "look good" because you know it's actually good for your health
- You have a real, legit dining room table set
- Instead of looking forward to a weekend of drinking at the bar with friends you get excited for a weekend of Netflix and Pinterest projects.
- You have to sit and mentally prepare yourself before looking at your dwindling bank account
- You get excited/nervous when you have ten extra dollars after paying off all your mandatory bills (which one did I forget?)
- Cleaning and organizing your apartment is no longer a chore because you enjoy not tripping over bottles and clothes on your way to the bathroom
- You've revised your big list of goals and dreams to a much lower standard, realistic set
- You start buying good quality, classic pieces of clothing rather than that Forever21 sweater that will shred after one wash.
Sunday, November 2, 2014
How to know you've offically entered the adult world: Early 20's edition
Saturday, November 1, 2014
You promise?
Oh boy, where to even begin? Happy one year anniversary Nater! How in the world did we get to one year?
For those who are unaware, Nate and I have quite the back story to our relationship. Let us journey back.
Freshmen year of college and I was a scared little freshmen, he President of his fraternity. Oh lala. A month or two of us messing around and he wasn't having it and moved on to the next lassy of his choosing (or so I like to tease him for). I then dated another brother of the fraternity for about year, oh the cluster-fuck that was the relationship (that's a whole different blog post)!
Nate and I rarely talked since freshmen year other than the polite conversation that we had to endure being that my boyfriend of the time was roommates with him... awkward, I know.
Nate moved out to Colorado and was having a bit of a rough time after he graduated. Out of the blue one day he texted me asking my opinion on a tattoo he wanted to get.
And this began our 2 year long friendship.
For two years we texted- every day, all day. Good morning's first thing when we woke up and good night's when we went to bed. Everyone thought that we were having a secret relationship when in reality is I would change in front of him, we would sleep in the same bed without even a kiss. How he kept his sanity during this time, I don't know (props).
I then left for Malawi for a study abroad for the entire summer. He was the one person who would send me emails and Facebook messages to stay in contact with me (hey, when you talk to someone all day, everyday for two years, you get a bit attached). He even went as far as getting a very large phone bill from me drunk texting him one night while I was out at the bar... THOUSANDS of miles away, a whole ocean between us and he is my go to person. We then decided that upon my return to America we would discuss giving "us" a-go.
That happened and he said he couldn't do the long distance (I was still going to school at Michigan State and he was working in Detroit). Of course, like any girl being rejected I got pissed and didn't talk to him for a few days and had to play the jealousy card to get him to realize what he was really doing.
He invited me to come to Detroit that day to stay with him for the weekend.
A week later was the U of M vs. MSU game. I wasn't feeling like tailgating so Nate stayed out drinking with friends and I met him at his fraternity house later in the night. We went to the back parking lot so I could put my purse in his truck for safe keeping and he asked me in the cheesiest, cutest, DRUNKEST way possible "Will...will you beeeeee muh gurlfrand?"
Annnnnnnd here we are today, a year later. I don't know about you but it's been one hell of a ride and I couldn't imagine being on it with anyone but you. So in honor of our big accomplishment, I decided to come up with 10 characteristics I love most about you (I'm mushy-gushy and THAT girlfriend... so what? Get over it!).
May we?
Here's to another year of laughter, smiles, cries, long night talks, bumps in the road, adventures, and falling in love with you all over again.
You've made me happier during one of the hardest years of my life and I thank you for that. I love you endlessly (I promise).
For those who are unaware, Nate and I have quite the back story to our relationship. Let us journey back.
Freshmen year of college and I was a scared little freshmen, he President of his fraternity. Oh lala. A month or two of us messing around and he wasn't having it and moved on to the next lassy of his choosing (or so I like to tease him for). I then dated another brother of the fraternity for about year, oh the cluster-fuck that was the relationship (that's a whole different blog post)!
Nate and I rarely talked since freshmen year other than the polite conversation that we had to endure being that my boyfriend of the time was roommates with him... awkward, I know.
Nate moved out to Colorado and was having a bit of a rough time after he graduated. Out of the blue one day he texted me asking my opinion on a tattoo he wanted to get.
And this began our 2 year long friendship.
For two years we texted- every day, all day. Good morning's first thing when we woke up and good night's when we went to bed. Everyone thought that we were having a secret relationship when in reality is I would change in front of him, we would sleep in the same bed without even a kiss. How he kept his sanity during this time, I don't know (props).
I then left for Malawi for a study abroad for the entire summer. He was the one person who would send me emails and Facebook messages to stay in contact with me (hey, when you talk to someone all day, everyday for two years, you get a bit attached). He even went as far as getting a very large phone bill from me drunk texting him one night while I was out at the bar... THOUSANDS of miles away, a whole ocean between us and he is my go to person. We then decided that upon my return to America we would discuss giving "us" a-go.
That happened and he said he couldn't do the long distance (I was still going to school at Michigan State and he was working in Detroit). Of course, like any girl being rejected I got pissed and didn't talk to him for a few days and had to play the jealousy card to get him to realize what he was really doing.
He invited me to come to Detroit that day to stay with him for the weekend.
A week later was the U of M vs. MSU game. I wasn't feeling like tailgating so Nate stayed out drinking with friends and I met him at his fraternity house later in the night. We went to the back parking lot so I could put my purse in his truck for safe keeping and he asked me in the cheesiest, cutest, DRUNKEST way possible "Will...will you beeeeee muh gurlfrand?"
Annnnnnnd here we are today, a year later. I don't know about you but it's been one hell of a ride and I couldn't imagine being on it with anyone but you. So in honor of our big accomplishment, I decided to come up with 10 characteristics I love most about you (I'm mushy-gushy and THAT girlfriend... so what? Get over it!).
May we?
- Understanding. You know those couples who ask how their partner's day went and don't really listen? We are not one of those couples. When I walk in the door at the end of the day, you genuinely want to know how my day was. Most of the time, I word vomit on you about everything and every little detail of my day down to my bathroom trips (because that's just how I am) and you listen to every little part of my word vomit. You understand me in a way that most people don't get. You leave me alone when you know I need "me" time to recoup, you hold me when you know I need to be held, and you say the most perfect things at the most perfect time, all because you understand me as a person.
- Compassionate. When I was first getting diagnosed with kidney disease and didn't know what was happening to my body, I was scared and confused like no other. The day we went to the doctor to get the diagnosis, I was brushing my teeth and started to cry because my face was not my own, I was swollen and uncomfortable and nervous and every other emotion you can think of. You came up behind me, hugged me, gave me a kiss on the check and said "You are beautiful, I love you." and then literally held me up while I finished brushing my teeth and cried. If that is not the definition of compassion, I don't know what is.
- Sense of humor. From dancing and screaming songs in the car to burps, farts, and every other disgusting body function- you get my sense of humor and I get yours. You make me laugh every day.
- Patient. During my month of unemployment you were incredibly supportive of every job venture I wanted to tackle. It took a lot longer than expected to find a job and you were patient and understanding and supportive to know that I had to do it. You also are incredibly patient when dealing with Drunk Dana, who can either be quite the bitch or an emotional wreck (remember the time in East Lansing when we were trying to find my friends house and I started crying out of the blue and you asked why and I responded with "I don't know, I just am" and you just knew I was drunk and needed to cry it out? PATIENT mother-fucker. Well done).
- Caring/supportive. You got us both awareness gear for kidney disease. SUPPORTIVE ASS BITCH. You come to my doctor's appointments with me and ask questions that you are concerned about or I forget to ask, you put oil on my stretch marks every night because you know how much they bother me, you deal with my anxiety and talk things out with me at 2:00 in the morning when I can't sleep. You support me when I can't afford to support myself.
- Kind. On our trip to DC I was a miserable wreck. I was swollen and walking all day and just in incredible pain but I endured it because I knew it would make you and my Aunt happy. To return the favor, you walked in an unknown city to get me my favorite meal, Noodles and Co.
- Ambitious. Anything from fitness to your career, you always want to better yourself and I admire that about you. You push me to want to be better. Having someone in my life who moves you forward instead of being stagnant is someone I want to keep in my life for a long time.
- Protective. Emotionally and physically, I know you never want me get hurt. It's funny because I even find myself reaching for you when I am scared or nervous and your already there with open arms because... well, you just know. Like that time we had date night in downtown Detroit and all of a sudden the storm of the century came rolling in and within ten seconds we were in the midst of the apocalypse. I don't know how you knew, maybe it was the look on my face, but you opened your arms and I ducked on in while we ran for a block along with the rest of the Detroiters trying to survive.
- Outgoing. Seeing that I am a big, ole, fat introvert and like to stay in bed all day by myself, your restless personality and extrovert-ness is a perfect match. You push me socially, in a way that is needed. At parties now days, I find myself always by yourself and letting you lead the conversation. I admire the way you can take a conversation and lead a group of people without hesitation.
- Future Oriented. One of my fondest memories of all our time together is when we went camping, just the two of us. We didn't have cell reception so we spent all night talking. We talked about how if we get a dog it needs to be good with kids and where we want to live and how we're going to get a house together. Knowing that we are both in this for the long haul puts the biggest smile on my face. We love each other equally and I know neither of us will ever do anything to fuck it up (even though I make you promise that to me at least once a week). I don't know if you remember this but there was one day we were listening to "our song" in the car and I asked you if you will love me long term. Your response: "You make it easy to imagine long term baby." MELT MY DAMN HEART.
Here's to another year of laughter, smiles, cries, long night talks, bumps in the road, adventures, and falling in love with you all over again.
You've made me happier during one of the hardest years of my life and I thank you for that. I love you endlessly (I promise).
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Gurl Yous So Fat
Long time no talk! I haven't posted in quite sometime and I apologize for that. There are a few reasons why.
For those of you who have read my other blogs you know that I have 2 different kinds of kidney disease and have been taking steroids to make my kidneys function properly. Steroids, as I have described in my older posts, give your body the ride of its life- and not in a good way.
I started to gain lots of weight at the end of June along with weird facial hair that made me look like Wolverine from X-men, a double chin, and a very very round face, and my bones and joints are falling apart at the seams. As of lately, the weight gain seems to have become exponential- like 1/2 lbs a day gain. Since I have no shame I will get quite specific with you here.
Before I was diagnosed I was weighing about 145. I know this isn't exactly healthy but it's definitely not over weight. By the end of June I was weighing about 155-160lbs. Within about 10 weeks (from the end of June to now early September) I have gained 20 lbs and am now weighing in at 180 pounds. Now for someone who is health obsessed and works out every day this is INCREDIBLY disheartening and disappointing.
You see, I have been doing P90x3 for 8 weeks now, I actually just started block 3 of it today. I think I am the only person in the history of P90x that has had BACKWARDS progress! At least I am unique... right? Because of this reason I got to be insanely self conscious and had the worst self-esteem I have ever had.
I hated looking at myself in the mirror and when I did I would criticize every single thing that was wrong with my body. My hips are too wide, my thighs touch all the way to my knees, I have a double chin, my eyes are puffy, I have stretch marks fucking everywhere that seem so fucking deep, my clothes don't fit me anymore.
That is so much negativity for any single person and of course this led to a downward spiral of depression. I was down all the time and for those brief moments that I would forget about the negative aspects of my body I would come up with a reason to be sad again- I am dead broke, I have bills to pay, I don't have clothes that fit me anymore, my car is so broke, I have no friends that live near me, I haven't seen my family in months, etc. etc. anything to keep me down, I would think about.
I don't know if the depression was a side effect of my medication but I was sick of being down and bringing down everyone else around me. So... ENOUGH SAD SHIT.
Because the thing is- people really do care. Since I have been posting and keeping people updated on my social media of what is going on in my life, I have had people that I haven't talked to in YEARS message me offering a listening ear or kind word of compassion. I don't think people understand what a small act can do to someone who is in a downward spiral of depression.
From those small words I have decided enough is enough and I need to focus on the positives. After I am off these stupid fucking steroids and lose the weight I have gained, I am going to be one nimble little girl. Since doing P90x and being able to do all the moves with 40 extra pounds on me I can't even imagine how easy they are going to be 40 pounds lighter!
On another positive note, since working at a gym I am surrounded by health positive people constantly. They are always reminding me it's just a side effect of my medications and do a good job at keeping me positive. They have actually even inspired me to get my Group Fitness Certification. I would love to be able to lead a group of people in a fun and exciting way that is also positive. Since having my own weight story now as well I would be able to relate with a lot of the students, and the money is also 3 times more than what I am making now which doesn't hurt. Now to only find $300 to get the certification if any of you know how to make that money as quickly as possible without having to stand on the corner and sell my body let a girl know!
On to bigger and better things, slowly but surely. Keeping my head up and fingers crossed for lots of positive changes here soon. Cheers!
- I just recently started a new job at a 24 hour facility and they are quite unorganized and have changed my schedule what seems like 8528753728 times. Right now I am working 4am shifts which means I have to wake up at 2am to get to work on time with the commute. Ick.
- I am lazy.
- And probably the most important reason: I felt like I haven't been in the right place mentally.
For those of you who have read my other blogs you know that I have 2 different kinds of kidney disease and have been taking steroids to make my kidneys function properly. Steroids, as I have described in my older posts, give your body the ride of its life- and not in a good way.
I started to gain lots of weight at the end of June along with weird facial hair that made me look like Wolverine from X-men, a double chin, and a very very round face, and my bones and joints are falling apart at the seams. As of lately, the weight gain seems to have become exponential- like 1/2 lbs a day gain. Since I have no shame I will get quite specific with you here.
Before I was diagnosed I was weighing about 145. I know this isn't exactly healthy but it's definitely not over weight. By the end of June I was weighing about 155-160lbs. Within about 10 weeks (from the end of June to now early September) I have gained 20 lbs and am now weighing in at 180 pounds. Now for someone who is health obsessed and works out every day this is INCREDIBLY disheartening and disappointing.
You see, I have been doing P90x3 for 8 weeks now, I actually just started block 3 of it today. I think I am the only person in the history of P90x that has had BACKWARDS progress! At least I am unique... right? Because of this reason I got to be insanely self conscious and had the worst self-esteem I have ever had.
I hated looking at myself in the mirror and when I did I would criticize every single thing that was wrong with my body. My hips are too wide, my thighs touch all the way to my knees, I have a double chin, my eyes are puffy, I have stretch marks fucking everywhere that seem so fucking deep, my clothes don't fit me anymore.
That is so much negativity for any single person and of course this led to a downward spiral of depression. I was down all the time and for those brief moments that I would forget about the negative aspects of my body I would come up with a reason to be sad again- I am dead broke, I have bills to pay, I don't have clothes that fit me anymore, my car is so broke, I have no friends that live near me, I haven't seen my family in months, etc. etc. anything to keep me down, I would think about.
I don't know if the depression was a side effect of my medication but I was sick of being down and bringing down everyone else around me. So... ENOUGH SAD SHIT.
Because the thing is- people really do care. Since I have been posting and keeping people updated on my social media of what is going on in my life, I have had people that I haven't talked to in YEARS message me offering a listening ear or kind word of compassion. I don't think people understand what a small act can do to someone who is in a downward spiral of depression.
From those small words I have decided enough is enough and I need to focus on the positives. After I am off these stupid fucking steroids and lose the weight I have gained, I am going to be one nimble little girl. Since doing P90x and being able to do all the moves with 40 extra pounds on me I can't even imagine how easy they are going to be 40 pounds lighter!
On another positive note, since working at a gym I am surrounded by health positive people constantly. They are always reminding me it's just a side effect of my medications and do a good job at keeping me positive. They have actually even inspired me to get my Group Fitness Certification. I would love to be able to lead a group of people in a fun and exciting way that is also positive. Since having my own weight story now as well I would be able to relate with a lot of the students, and the money is also 3 times more than what I am making now which doesn't hurt. Now to only find $300 to get the certification if any of you know how to make that money as quickly as possible without having to stand on the corner and sell my body let a girl know!
On to bigger and better things, slowly but surely. Keeping my head up and fingers crossed for lots of positive changes here soon. Cheers!
Sunday, July 20, 2014
Pig and Whiskey: What's Keeping Me Going
The Pig & Whiskey Festival. Seriously? A weekend long event dedicated to pork and alcohol?
WHAT COULD BE MORE BETTER?!
I was looking forward to this event all week. It my cooped up madness that is unemployment, it is depressing that this is what got me through the week.
Upon arriving at the event, I decided to do a little pre-event drinkage at my buddy's place seeing how it was his birthday. After 5 beers and a rumbling belly later, we decided to walk to the event.
I was all about the food. Being on the steroids and waiting 3 hours (this is a long ass time for me) between my last meal so I could fully enjoy the heaven that was this pork festival I was starving.
You see, when I don't eat I become a bitch. Not in the cute, grumpy "Oh she's just hungry" kind of way. I'm more of the city destroying, fire breathing Godzilla in the Snickers commercial. I felt like I was going to kill someone without some sort of food in my mouth.
This was my mission of the night. Being the shit heads that we are, we didn't take into account that everyone also saved up their meals for the event.
LINES EVERYWHERE.
Goddamnit.
We decided to get our beers first instead and see if this helped the lines shorten up (in our heads this was logical, shut up). As we consumed our first beverage, we walked around the inspect the lines. We're they any shorter?
Nope. Back to the beer tent we go!
We repeated this exact process 3 more times before we were stumbling-idiots and we realized that we ALL really needed food in our alcohol filled bellies and decided on the tent with the shortest wait period.
Being the picky-eater at heart that I am, I had to special order my EIGHT DOLLAR pulled pork sandwich with no toppings- only meat and the bun. Turns out, this is fucking delicious. Mind you, this was only the second time I had ever had pulled pork but in my starving-drunk state, having food in my hand was about all I needed reach foodgasm.
The meat was so juicy and soft, typically this is not the way I normally like my meat (insert boner joke here), but this succulent meat was everything I needed in that moment. Having to wash down the glory that was my first meal, I SOMEHOW managed to finish my, *cough, ninth beer. Boy, it sounds a lot worse when put into writing... whoopsies.
Beer? Why are we drinking beer? This is the Pig and WHISKEY festival for fuck's sake!
Off to the Jack Daniel's tent we go!
Sick of waiting in lines, we all decided to double-fist thinking that we would have drinks for twice as long. No, no. This only caused us to drink twice as fast.
Regular Jack on the right, Honey Jack on the left. Taste buds becoming more and more numb. Annnnnd I was hungry again. Must. Have. Food. Now.
Of course, the shortest line was nachos...why would they even have this as an option? I didn't care. Cosby and I scarffed that plate down like it was the only thing keeping us alive. Although, he did manage to take a very attractive selfie. As you can see, food is my everything:
Needing more to wash down our Nachos... back to the Jack Daniel's tent we go!
Just kidding (or am I?) this drunk-piggie needed to go HOME.
I won't bore with the rest of the night which was filled with deep conversations of the history of Detroit, a drunken-business pitch, a table so full of empty cans we had to move them to the ground, myself being woken up once with french fries being shoved into my mouth and another time with a very large snake slithering around my face....
Pig and Whiskey fest... oh how you don't disappoint.
WHAT COULD BE MORE BETTER?!
I was looking forward to this event all week. It my cooped up madness that is unemployment, it is depressing that this is what got me through the week.
Upon arriving at the event, I decided to do a little pre-event drinkage at my buddy's place seeing how it was his birthday. After 5 beers and a rumbling belly later, we decided to walk to the event.
I was all about the food. Being on the steroids and waiting 3 hours (this is a long ass time for me) between my last meal so I could fully enjoy the heaven that was this pork festival I was starving.
You see, when I don't eat I become a bitch. Not in the cute, grumpy "Oh she's just hungry" kind of way. I'm more of the city destroying, fire breathing Godzilla in the Snickers commercial. I felt like I was going to kill someone without some sort of food in my mouth.
This was my mission of the night. Being the shit heads that we are, we didn't take into account that everyone also saved up their meals for the event.
LINES EVERYWHERE.
Goddamnit.
We decided to get our beers first instead and see if this helped the lines shorten up (in our heads this was logical, shut up). As we consumed our first beverage, we walked around the inspect the lines. We're they any shorter?
Nope. Back to the beer tent we go!
We repeated this exact process 3 more times before we were stumbling-idiots and we realized that we ALL really needed food in our alcohol filled bellies and decided on the tent with the shortest wait period.
Being the picky-eater at heart that I am, I had to special order my EIGHT DOLLAR pulled pork sandwich with no toppings- only meat and the bun. Turns out, this is fucking delicious. Mind you, this was only the second time I had ever had pulled pork but in my starving-drunk state, having food in my hand was about all I needed reach foodgasm.
The meat was so juicy and soft, typically this is not the way I normally like my meat (insert boner joke here), but this succulent meat was everything I needed in that moment. Having to wash down the glory that was my first meal, I SOMEHOW managed to finish my, *cough, ninth beer. Boy, it sounds a lot worse when put into writing... whoopsies.
Beer? Why are we drinking beer? This is the Pig and WHISKEY festival for fuck's sake!
Off to the Jack Daniel's tent we go!
Sick of waiting in lines, we all decided to double-fist thinking that we would have drinks for twice as long. No, no. This only caused us to drink twice as fast.
Regular Jack on the right, Honey Jack on the left. Taste buds becoming more and more numb. Annnnnd I was hungry again. Must. Have. Food. Now.
Of course, the shortest line was nachos...why would they even have this as an option? I didn't care. Cosby and I scarffed that plate down like it was the only thing keeping us alive. Although, he did manage to take a very attractive selfie. As you can see, food is my everything:
Needing more to wash down our Nachos... back to the Jack Daniel's tent we go!
Just kidding (or am I?) this drunk-piggie needed to go HOME.
I won't bore with the rest of the night which was filled with deep conversations of the history of Detroit, a drunken-business pitch, a table so full of empty cans we had to move them to the ground, myself being woken up once with french fries being shoved into my mouth and another time with a very large snake slithering around my face....
Pig and Whiskey fest... oh how you don't disappoint.
Tuesday, July 15, 2014
Morning Cocaine and Toots
In order to combat my massive, semi-truck, double wide face and appetite of a morbidly obese man, I decided it would be a fantastic idea to try P90X3 today... at 5am... on a Tuesday. If you have no idea what I am talking about, you clearly missed my last blog
You see, I have been working out regularly since my diagnosis in April, trying to maintain what little health I seemed to have left. I am able to finish most of my workouts fairly easily at this point. I needed something more.
For those of you who have been living under a rock for the past decade, P90X is one of the most famous work out programs available. It is known to be incredibly hard but get some incredible results. My boyfriend finished P90x3 this past year and talked me into giving it a go this morning. Apparently, I needed more of a "challenge" in my workout regiment. Fuck.
Before I begin this story you should know one thing about me: I like to be in control. I like to be in control of a situation but more importantly (at least to the story) I like to be in control of my body. I don't do drugs because I don't like knowing I can't change my state of being at the drop of a hat if need be. I need to be in control of what is happening to my body at all times.
Let us continue.
To get through the workout I thought I should give myself some liquid motivation in the form of a pre-workout supplement. This was my first time ever taking liquid courage and had no idea what to expect. My boyfriend says it makes him feel like he needs to get up and move around. Awesome- I can handle that. Maybe it'd be like Adderall. NO. No, it was NOTHING like Adderall.
I put a scoop of the "blue-razz" flavor into water and guzzled down this sweet, concoction and I was immediately taken aback to being 10 and drinking Kool-Aid. Maybe it'll just be a something like an adult sugar rush. NO. No, it was NOTHING like an adult sugar rush.
Here I am sitting on the couch, scrolling through Instagram waiting for my sugar rush when BAM! Burning. Burning on the lips, my cheeks, my ears. EVERYWHERE. I touch my face and it makes it worse! I turn to my boyfriend. "I think it's happening..."
He gives me a devious smile, "You feeling the tingles?" Tingles? This is not TINGLES. This is a drug trip gone wrong. I felt like the guy in opening of Super Troopers who eats 2 whole bag of shrooms and starts having a bad trip.
The only way I can describe this sensation was a sunburn gone wrong. My skin was on fire and the more you touched it the worse it got. My skin is already sensitive enough and gets red with the touch of a feather, this burning sensation looked like I was a dipped in red and white tye-dye. I was blochy as fuck.
Not only did it make my skin burn like crazy, it made me have to fart like crazy. All of a sudden my stomach was rumble-bumbling and I had to toot like a mother fucker. Of course, trying to maintain my innocence and lady-like demeanor with my boyfriend present, I was holding them all in.
This only made it worse.
As we were working out and jumping around, apparently all the gas that I had built up from holding all the "bottom-burps" in was getting pushed down.
It had to come out somehow.
While in the middle of jumping jacks, I let out a small fart. He didn't seem to notice. A second one came and this only caused it to get worse. It all wanted to come out at once.
I tried my best to hold it in but it just wasn't going to happen with all the jumping settling the gas to the end of my digestive system. I let a squeal of sound emit from my body. Nate, gave me a cock-headed, confused look and I was so embarrassed all I could do, it the middle of jumping jacks mind you, was to look at the ground and say with defeat, "Excuse me..."
"Was that a fart?!" He asked me with surprise. All I could do was shake my head. "I thought it was just your shoe!"
Wouldn't that have been the normal, logical cover-up. Any average person would have thought to use that excuse. I HAD AN OUT.
No, no. Not me. I was so caught up in the sun-burn "tingle" and disappointment of not getting an adult sugar rush, I admitted to my first fart in front of my boyfriend.
At this point, I was no longer worried about my burning skin as I was about how I was going to hold all the rest of my gas in for the rest of the work out.
Needless to say, I will not be taking pre-workout again.
You see, I have been working out regularly since my diagnosis in April, trying to maintain what little health I seemed to have left. I am able to finish most of my workouts fairly easily at this point. I needed something more.
For those of you who have been living under a rock for the past decade, P90X is one of the most famous work out programs available. It is known to be incredibly hard but get some incredible results. My boyfriend finished P90x3 this past year and talked me into giving it a go this morning. Apparently, I needed more of a "challenge" in my workout regiment. Fuck.
Before I begin this story you should know one thing about me: I like to be in control. I like to be in control of a situation but more importantly (at least to the story) I like to be in control of my body. I don't do drugs because I don't like knowing I can't change my state of being at the drop of a hat if need be. I need to be in control of what is happening to my body at all times.
Let us continue.
To get through the workout I thought I should give myself some liquid motivation in the form of a pre-workout supplement. This was my first time ever taking liquid courage and had no idea what to expect. My boyfriend says it makes him feel like he needs to get up and move around. Awesome- I can handle that. Maybe it'd be like Adderall. NO. No, it was NOTHING like Adderall.
I put a scoop of the "blue-razz" flavor into water and guzzled down this sweet, concoction and I was immediately taken aback to being 10 and drinking Kool-Aid. Maybe it'll just be a something like an adult sugar rush. NO. No, it was NOTHING like an adult sugar rush.
Here I am sitting on the couch, scrolling through Instagram waiting for my sugar rush when BAM! Burning. Burning on the lips, my cheeks, my ears. EVERYWHERE. I touch my face and it makes it worse! I turn to my boyfriend. "I think it's happening..."
He gives me a devious smile, "You feeling the tingles?" Tingles? This is not TINGLES. This is a drug trip gone wrong. I felt like the guy in opening of Super Troopers who eats 2 whole bag of shrooms and starts having a bad trip.
The only way I can describe this sensation was a sunburn gone wrong. My skin was on fire and the more you touched it the worse it got. My skin is already sensitive enough and gets red with the touch of a feather, this burning sensation looked like I was a dipped in red and white tye-dye. I was blochy as fuck.
Not only did it make my skin burn like crazy, it made me have to fart like crazy. All of a sudden my stomach was rumble-bumbling and I had to toot like a mother fucker. Of course, trying to maintain my innocence and lady-like demeanor with my boyfriend present, I was holding them all in.
This only made it worse.
As we were working out and jumping around, apparently all the gas that I had built up from holding all the "bottom-burps" in was getting pushed down.
It had to come out somehow.
While in the middle of jumping jacks, I let out a small fart. He didn't seem to notice. A second one came and this only caused it to get worse. It all wanted to come out at once.
I tried my best to hold it in but it just wasn't going to happen with all the jumping settling the gas to the end of my digestive system. I let a squeal of sound emit from my body. Nate, gave me a cock-headed, confused look and I was so embarrassed all I could do, it the middle of jumping jacks mind you, was to look at the ground and say with defeat, "Excuse me..."
"Was that a fart?!" He asked me with surprise. All I could do was shake my head. "I thought it was just your shoe!"
Wouldn't that have been the normal, logical cover-up. Any average person would have thought to use that excuse. I HAD AN OUT.
No, no. Not me. I was so caught up in the sun-burn "tingle" and disappointment of not getting an adult sugar rush, I admitted to my first fart in front of my boyfriend.
At this point, I was no longer worried about my burning skin as I was about how I was going to hold all the rest of my gas in for the rest of the work out.
Needless to say, I will not be taking pre-workout again.
Sunday, July 13, 2014
Gettin' Swole on Roids!
No no no- this is not the kind of swole you're thinking of. I'm not one of those meat-heads at the gym that is so self involved I get a chubber looking at myself doing curls.
My kind of swole is in the terms of "swollen." My face, my stomach, my NECK. Who knew your neck could get so round?
Let me back up a minute here for you and start from the beginning of this glorious journey.
In April, I was diagnosed with not one but TWO different kinds of kidney disease. Thanks a lot body- so much for all my self love. To get my kidneys to function properly again my doctor put me on a high dose of steroids (60mg/day). No, not the kind that you get on the black market and shoot up in my ass in the bathroom stall. No, the kind you get at the pharmacy and are notorious for making people gain weight. Awesome- I was already self conscious about my body.
I did my research and all forums, medical sites, and health pages said I was going to gain weight whilst on predisone. Why does it make you gain weight? Well apparently your appetite increases significantly and you want to eat anything and everything. I didn't have this problem, I was one of the lucky few that didn't have any AWFUL side effects!
...At least for the first 2 months.
You see, at the end of June my doctor lowered my dosage from 60mg/day to 40mg/day because my kidneys were responding positively to the medication- sweet. With this, came a change in pills. Instead of taking 6, 10mg pills of predisone a day I was now taking 2, 20mg pills a day.
I swear this is the reason for the change in my body but everyone else seems to think it is just the steroids catching up with me because of how long I have taken them. I now have all the stereotypical side effects of taking medical steroids.
I have developed "moon face" which is where you have the face-shape of what can only be described as a basketball. Not only did my face get more round but my wonderful body decided it wanted to be even more attractive and spread down to my neck so I no longer have a jaw line and have a BEAUTIFUL double-chin. SEXY. Here is a picture taken of me in April compared to Fourth of July weekend. I know what you're thinking... Where's the difference?
One positive of gaining extra weight and having a double-wide face is I expanded my diet... A LOT. I was no food-critic or the most exciting eater before. The most exotic I would get is garlic salt on my popcorn, but with the increase in appetite (hold your giggles for all the foods that you are shocked by) I have tried:
This is the typical response for any food that I have tried since.
I'm not sure if it is due to the fact that I am now grown up and my taste buds are developing or the fact that the steroids make me hungry... ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I wake up hungry. I go to bed hungry. I eat and 30 minutes later my stomach is growling at my to stuff more ketchup slathered french fries into my round-ass face. I will pretty much try anything at this point just to have something in my mouth (get your mind out of the gutter you sicko).
I got the hankering to try out some lettuce today (again, 22 years). EAT ALL THE FOOD! Nom-nom-nom!
My kind of swole is in the terms of "swollen." My face, my stomach, my NECK. Who knew your neck could get so round?
Let me back up a minute here for you and start from the beginning of this glorious journey.
In April, I was diagnosed with not one but TWO different kinds of kidney disease. Thanks a lot body- so much for all my self love. To get my kidneys to function properly again my doctor put me on a high dose of steroids (60mg/day). No, not the kind that you get on the black market and shoot up in my ass in the bathroom stall. No, the kind you get at the pharmacy and are notorious for making people gain weight. Awesome- I was already self conscious about my body.
I did my research and all forums, medical sites, and health pages said I was going to gain weight whilst on predisone. Why does it make you gain weight? Well apparently your appetite increases significantly and you want to eat anything and everything. I didn't have this problem, I was one of the lucky few that didn't have any AWFUL side effects!
...At least for the first 2 months.
You see, at the end of June my doctor lowered my dosage from 60mg/day to 40mg/day because my kidneys were responding positively to the medication- sweet. With this, came a change in pills. Instead of taking 6, 10mg pills of predisone a day I was now taking 2, 20mg pills a day.
I swear this is the reason for the change in my body but everyone else seems to think it is just the steroids catching up with me because of how long I have taken them. I now have all the stereotypical side effects of taking medical steroids.
I have developed "moon face" which is where you have the face-shape of what can only be described as a basketball. Not only did my face get more round but my wonderful body decided it wanted to be even more attractive and spread down to my neck so I no longer have a jaw line and have a BEAUTIFUL double-chin. SEXY. Here is a picture taken of me in April compared to Fourth of July weekend. I know what you're thinking... Where's the difference?
One positive of gaining extra weight and having a double-wide face is I expanded my diet... A LOT. I was no food-critic or the most exciting eater before. The most exotic I would get is garlic salt on my popcorn, but with the increase in appetite (hold your giggles for all the foods that you are shocked by) I have tried:
- Pesto
- Coffee (I loooooooove me some coffee now!!)
- Ketchup (who goes 22 years without trying fucking ketchup?)
- Ranch (fucking 22 years)
- BBQ sauce (What is wrong with me?!)
- Salmon
- Shrimp
- Steak
- Cheesy Onion hashbrown cassorole
- Strawberries (22 years without eating this delicious nectar)
- Turkey Bacon
- Pistachios
- Edamame
- Sweet Potatoes
This is the typical response for any food that I have tried since.
I'm not sure if it is due to the fact that I am now grown up and my taste buds are developing or the fact that the steroids make me hungry... ALL THE FUCKING TIME. I wake up hungry. I go to bed hungry. I eat and 30 minutes later my stomach is growling at my to stuff more ketchup slathered french fries into my round-ass face. I will pretty much try anything at this point just to have something in my mouth (get your mind out of the gutter you sicko).
I got the hankering to try out some lettuce today (again, 22 years). EAT ALL THE FOOD! Nom-nom-nom!
Saturday, July 12, 2014
How NOT To Get A Job
- Get your degree in a soft science
- Truly believe you'll get a job that has to do with your degree
My anthropology adviser in college assured me I would be able to do sooooo much with my degree, boy was she wrong.
Yes, maybe if I go to graduate school for another few years of my life and a few thousand dollars later I will receive a job that has to do with my degree. My measly $26,000 in debt and my poor bachelor's degree ain't doin' shit for me.
Spring semester of my senior year at Michigan State and all hyped for the 'real' world. Excited and proud of my social science degree, I was going to do something great in the world with what I have learned. I will fight for the rights of others and change the world! I was so naive... and stupid. Here is a screenshot of a picture I posted, so proud of myself... No shit I got 15/15. Yes, I love my degree and social sciences, but it's all objective.
My boyfriend was constantly lecturing me, telling me to enjoy what little time I had left. "But I'm so excited to have a daily routine that ends at 5:00 and doesn't have to continue with homework and studying!" I would nag back at him. I applied for about 10 different jobs, all in non-profit. All I ever heard was "There's no money in non-profit". I didn't care about money, I wanted change!
Now here I am, balls deep in these little things called bills that require money. That's when it hit me- BANG! Turns out you need money and everyone was right about that little fact.
I got a job at a marketing firm that did work for a non-profit. I didn't know a lot about the job going into it other than I would be going out in the "field" and getting people involved with the non-profit. I was pumped! How many people ACTUALLY get a job in the field that they graduated college with. I was one of the lucky few!
WRONG.
This thing called the "field"was, more or less, door to door marketing for the non-profit. Don't get me wrong, I love the work that this job did and what they stood for but, DAMN, is door to door hard work! On a daily basis I would get the door slammed in my face and dogs threatening to rip my arm off. The first month on the job I was so happy to be doing the work that the rudeness of people washed right off me. And then it caught up to me.
I wasn't making a lot of money, barely able to pay my bills, let alone get groceries or my medications I needed. People were constantly bothered by the work I was doing, I was working 6 days a week and had no time to myself. This isn't for me. I had to get out of this job... NOW.
All this happened a week ago.
They always say the first job out of school is the hardest- they are right. It got to the point where all I wanted was to get out SO bad, I maaaaaay have possibly just mentioned to my co-workers and boss that I already had an offer and was starting next week. This was done to rationalize the leave and save what little dignity remained for me at this office, buuuut JOKE'S ON ME.
Here I am today, getting all anxious for my extended "weekend," 3 weeks left of pay checks and rent due in 4.
My plan for today: go to Royal Oak Starbucks- apply for job, go to Troy Starbucks- apply for a job, go to Lush- apply for a job, go to Loco's in downtown Detroit- apply for a job. Bachelor's degree required? NOPE.
Friday, July 11, 2014
Hello Internet Friends!
Hello and welcome to this awkward and vulnerable experience we call blogging! This is my first time doing this so bear with me here.
I have been watching YouTube videos since the website was created but first got into "following" YouTuber's about 2 years ago when I fond one of Jaclyn Hill's make-up tutorials on Pinterest. Since then I have been following people like Zoella, Joe Snugg, Tayna Burr, Marcus Butler, Nikki Phillippi, and my all-time favorite, Karissa Pukas. Now, you may be wondering why I am here talking about YouTube while blogging... well, many of these people started out with having blogs which I have followed for years now.
I have always thought about starting my own blog but
I have been watching YouTube videos since the website was created but first got into "following" YouTuber's about 2 years ago when I fond one of Jaclyn Hill's make-up tutorials on Pinterest. Since then I have been following people like Zoella, Joe Snugg, Tayna Burr, Marcus Butler, Nikki Phillippi, and my all-time favorite, Karissa Pukas. Now, you may be wondering why I am here talking about YouTube while blogging... well, many of these people started out with having blogs which I have followed for years now.
I have always thought about starting my own blog but
- Didn't have the time because I was in school
- Too lazy (whoopsies)
- I am awful with technology
- Was afraid of putting myself out there (vulnerability)
Now that I have graduated from Michigan State University and gone through the "post-graduate" slump, I decided what better time than now to try something new?! What have a got to lose really? I have no shame and I have learned to enjoy sharing my life with people.
One thing that you may be wondering about: the title of my blog, "My Limbo Life." I wanted it to be titled "My Life in Limbo" but apparently some lucky Mother F-er already stole that name so I got the second best option. Meh- works for me.
I choose this because I never feel as though my life is never quite "there". What is there you may ask- good question. I'm not 100% sure myself but what I do know is this: I am never dead broke, yet I never have enough money. I am never deathly ill, yet I never feel healthy. I am not over-weight, yet I am not in perfect shape. I am never fully put together, yet I am never lookin' a hot mess (at least not most of the time). I am always in limbo, somewhere in-between. I am neither here nor there.
So here we are; ready to embark on this exciting journey together. What can you expect from me?
Well, first off expect blunt honesty. Since going to college, I have learned to have no shame. I tend to over-share with people and I find that to be healthy and a bit embarrassing at times but why hide who you are, right? As for content wise, you can expect a jumbled mess- at least here in the beginning. I plan on telling you about my health, my life experiences (HA HA Aunt Sue and Aunt Kim), embarrassing stories, reviews on products, restaurants, and bars (shots! shots!), and pretty much anything else that I feel like sharing with my new found internet friends (yes, that's you!).
Are you excited as I am?! I certainly hope so. I got to tell ya, I woke up at 5:00 AM this morning with this idea and have been running with it since. I feel a bit scared and vulnerable but more importantly, over joyed because I have a feeling (just go with me here) that this could be something awesome. With your help and input, we could make this into great, enthusiastic community. Who's with me?!
Till next time my internet friends
XOXX
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